My writer’s name is Bean, and I want to share my journey of finding Christ, which started two years ago. It was one summer that I hit my lowest point, all because of depression and anxiety. Even though I was on medication, it was not helping; in fact, my weight loss medication was counteracting my depression medication. I no longer wanted to be here. I just wanted to be gone because of all the headaches and drama that was going on. People blamed me for snapping or lashing out, not realizing what was going on in my head. The best way to explain it was another voice inside my head that was screaming, “Let me out!” My husband was by my side the entire time. I wanted him to leave; he deserved better than me. He deserved someone who would not have the baggage of demons inside her head or someone who wanted to continue with life. But true love prevailed; he stayed. I begged him to commit me to the hospital. I knew it was breaking his heart, but he knew it was the best thing for me at that moment.

Before he took me to the local hospital, he took me to his family’s church. I did not know what he did; all I remember was some lady touching my arm while I sobbed in the car. She asked me what my plans were and why I thought this way. During this talk, she spoke to me about God and Jesus, how they did not want me to go through this, and how they were trying to get me to believe in them. I cannot recite the entire conversation, as it is still a blur, but I just remember her voice and the feeling of love. Afterward, I found out that there were others, including the pastor, standing there praying over me. The sweetest thing was when her husband prayed with my husband outside of the car.

The trip to the hospital felt like the longest ride. I still just wanted to disappear. What was the use to be here? Though I knew I was loved, I felt worthless. That demon in my head kept whispering that I wasn’t good enough or that I was just a nobody that no one cared about. I checked in, and almost immediately they took me back. You talk about feeling like nothing—when they tell you to change out of all your clothes into scrubs and put you in a room that’s secure like Fort Knox. The caseworker came to talk to me but didn’t stay long. She gave me something to calm me down and ordered bloodwork. The results showed that I had narcotics in my system, but I didn’t. They knew the difference because of the weight loss medication I was taking. I did not know that certain medications can appear to look like narcotics on blood tests. Eventually, she came back and talked to me more. She said she didn’t want me to be admitted as it seemed like I could handle it without being put upstairs, but I had to promise her that I would talk to my husband if anything changed. My husband finally was allowed to come back so she could talk to him as well. With his permission, she released me to him as he would be my caretaker. I was recommended to see a psychologist and talk to my primary care to change my medication until I could get an appointment with the psychologist.

We went home that night. My eyes hurt, my head hurt, and I was out of it but I went home that night. I was safe. That week was filled with scheduling doctor appointments or going to doctor visits. The ones who knew what happened were constantly checking in on me. But what truly woke me up was realizing I needed faith in my life. God was the one that day that pulled me out. He stopped me. He wanted me to live; he wanted me to have a future. I still don’t know why, but I am still figuring that out today. The following Sunday, after all that had happened, I told my husband that we needed to go to church. We discussed it and decided it was best to attend his family’s church since he was already familiar with the Pastor and his family was there.

The moment I walked through the door to Christ, I knew I needed to rediscover faith. I needed God. I am not saying I didn’t believe in God growing up; I did. I went to churches occasionally with friends. But I didn’t stick with it. It just felt like I didn’t belong, and touching a Bible just felt like I was touching sacred paper. Weird, I know. However, this time it was different. I felt compelled to pick up that sacred book and open it.

Fast forward to two years later, here I am—opening up to the public, opening up to strangers. I don’t know if this is my calling, but I feel the need to help others learn the word of God. Now do not get me wrong, I am no expert in this; I am still learning myself. I found a group called Bible Fellowship Study that hosts a weekly Bible study group. I have watched videos, asked questions, and read stories, but the one thing I found was I still did not understand the Word of God. It was confusing, almost like gibberish. I started in John and just felt overwhelmed with it all. I tried different versions of Bibles, physical books instead of e-books, and I even got journaling supplies to help organize.

I cannot say when, maybe a month or so ago, I figured it out. It all makes sense now. It is not as hard as I was making it. It was my faith in God’s Word. I needed to stop overthinking it and trust him. He was there trying to guide me through it, but I was fighting back. I kept questioning it. I was sitting in the little office I created in our guest room, working on my weekly questions for Bible study. I messaged my husband, even though he was home in our other office, I talked to him about how to reach other women like me. What could I do? I know there are others out there that are struggling to find faith. What if they do not understand the Word of God? You get the point on where my mind was going.

So here we go. Here is my first post. My first on how I found God. Do not get me wrong, I still struggle on random days but nothing like that lowest point of my life. I am in a better place now. I have a wonderful, loving husband. Yes, crazy, he proposed a couple of weeks after I put him through all of that! I have friends and family that love me dearly. I even gained new people in my life while I shut out others. I had to cut people off from my life. Those people were toxic and just causing more issues with my mental health. I finally realized I was not putting myself first and was putting others first. I helped some, and those that I did cut off never helped me or they kept bringing up issues. Again, I am no doctor or an expert in all of this. I am just a small-town girl, who wants to reach others like me. I want others to learn faith, to learn with me, and to bring them closer to God.

~Bean