I’ve been struggling to find the words lately. With so many topics to choose from, it’s overwhelming. Where do I even begin? Some days, I’m barely able to function mentally, while others, I feel invincible. But what’s weighing heaviest on my heart is our strength in infertility and God.
I know there are people facing even greater challenges than mine. Do they fear discussing it? Is it too painful to discuss? That’s the dilemma. My husband and I initially decided to keep it to ourselves. I’m not entirely sure why he agreed, but I wanted to avoid disappointing my family and myself. Maybe I thought if I ignored it, it would all just disappear.
That’s the irony of it all—it doesn’t vanish. The struggle only intensifies internally. You try to bury it deep down, but then a pregnancy announcement or an ad pop up, and the emotions come flooding back. I want to crawl into bed, cry, and shut out the world. My mind spirals into darkness, questioning everything, especially my faith.
If you’ve read my bio, you know I found God two years ago. Yet, I still grapple to connect with Him. I keep pushing forward, refusing to give up on finding that connection. I aspire to be better, to lean on Him, to let Him shoulder my burdens. It is harder than it seems. I’m not one to easily surrender my problems to anyone. They’re mine to deal with, mine to fix. For the past two years, my husband and I have been trying to conceive. At this time, we were still dating. My initial thought God wanted us to marry. Well, we tied the knot in the summer of 2023, and yet here we are, still trying.
Several months before our marriage (I won’t name names), we visited my first OBGYN. They essentially brushed me off, no tests, just ultrasounds to monitor the cysts on my ovaries. No diagnosis of PCOS, nothing. All I got was a vague assurance that they’d intervene when I reached a certain age. Since switching to a new insurer and the current OBGYN was not in network, I found a new OBGYN, who was fantastic. She ran tests, biopsies, even checked my husband. Everything seemed fine, with minor issues. Unfortunately, she left the practice, prompting me to seek another opinion.
This time, I consulted a fertility specialist. Still no tests on my husband, just ultrasounds and bloodwork for me. While I got more answers this time, the conclusion was back to square one. It’s my weight now, and my elevated liver enzymes. Despite knowing I can address these issues; I can’t shake the feeling that my body has failed me. I blame myself and even question God.
I’m overthinking of why God is subjecting me to this, when there are women with worse health conditions who can easily conceive. There are women who don’t even want children but has them or doesn’t want them. Why? It feels like I’m losing faith, like God isn’t listening, isn’t helping. The doubts swarm my mind, dragging me into darkness once again.
Recently, I thought I might be pregnant. All the signs were there, even faint positive tests. I went for bloodwork on Saturday, dreading the results. I couldn’t bring myself to look, so I had my husband check. His silence said it all. I knew it was another no. Those evaporated lines on the home tests shattered my hopes once more. I lay in bed, trying to hold back the tears, but all I wanted was to give up. My husband, upset himself, saw my withdrawal, sensed me slipping into that dark place. He held me as I cried, my eyes stinging, throat burning.
Suddenly, he snapped me out of it, yelling at me to stop and come back. It was a wake-up call. He knew I was giving up on God, on myself. After calming down, we talked. Our main question: what does God want us to do? What is His reason from preventing us? If I had conceived this month, the baby would be due in a month that we did not want. We’re both overweight, sometimes feel financially unstable, but above all, it’s about my faith.
My faith is the cornerstone of all of this. I haven’t fully surrendered to God, nor listen to everything. Even though I keep questioning, keep praying, keep reading my Bible, attending Bible studies, and now even enrolling in courses. I refuse to give up on God. He holds the key, and I know one day He will unlock this for us. Let’s consider Romans 8:35-39.
”Who can separate us from the love of Christ? Can affliction or distress or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: Because of you we are being put to death all day long; we are counted as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.“ – Romans 8:35-39, CSB
Keep reciting it. Nothing can weaken our bond with Christ, not even infertility. It doesn’t mean God has stopped loving us or fulfilling our desires. He remains faithful, desiring our belief and trust. Surrender it to Him by seeking his face and leaning on his strength.
“Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.“-1 Chronicles 16:11, CSB
If it’s not infertility, it’s something else. Give it to God. Keep praying, keep thanking Him for what He is giving us. Don’t lose faith. Maybe starting a family won’t happen as we envisioned, but God will provide in His own way. As my husband says, we already have a small family—our dogs and cat. Let’s cherish today, love each other, and love God. Always find the strength in infertility and God.
I would love to hear from you! Please join my private Facebook group at Bean’s Bible Diary or check out my forum.
~Bean
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